For love, not money

Nursing is a vocation, you do it for love not for money....

This is what I have heard on repeat for a lot of my life- isn't she admirable, doing a job for love not money, helping others even though she can barely look after herself and her kids, because its a vocation.  What a 'good' nurse I was. 

And I did do it for love, not money.  But in many ways it was because I needed to feel loved, and I needed to be needed, and those patterns of having nothing myself and giving to others fitted into my perception of what a 'good' girl as well as a 'good' nurse was.  That's how I felt valued.  Those were the patterns that were keeping me stuck as a poor, burnt out nurse and also what kept me stuck in an abusive relationship. 

When I finally learnt to love and value myself,  it became harder for me to work as a nurse in the same way.  I still wanted to do the work for love, but in a healthy way, yet it became impossible to love myself at the same time. The patterns ran too deep.

When I became a healer, the same patterns were still there, that same idea that it is done for love so it cant be done for money, those spiritual teachings that tell you that it is wrong to charge for spiritual work. 

So I see many amazing nurses completely burnt out, and many amazing healers spending the rest of their time battling with universal credits, part time jobs and stressing about bills.

And so those that do it for love, not money, are not able to step into the fullness of their roles or embrace all of their power, or actually do what they are here to do... so that means less love in the world!

I was thinking today about me and some of my friends, a lot of single mums or others who feel overwhelmed with responsibilities, and all that there is to fit into a day, while also holding down normal jobs, and also doing the majority of their 'work' unpaid and unseen.  We meet in the dream world, at sacred sites, working on healing the earth, dreaming a new world into being.  I think in another place or time we might have been the village shaman, the mystic or the seer.... 

And maybe they wouldn't have been paid and would do it for love not money, but I think they would have been supported in other ways by the community, and respected too. 

Often we are just told we are crazy, and struggle financially because this 'work' isn't really recognised or supported. And this was a big lesson for me in the hospital too.

I know these patterns are not only within me but within society as a whole.  But I know it all starts within and we can all help to undo these patterns by finding them within ourselves. 

And so today I started thinking about what it would feel like to be fully supported to do this work.  If I could allow myself to fully step into all the magic and the power and embrace it all... and the feeling I found was fear. 

And so I wonder how much I have created this life and this feeling of being unsupported, overwhelmed and having so much to do, because of this fear, and again this lack of respect and love for of all the magic that exists within and all around me. 

Perhaps its a deeper layer yet. 

And perhaps this world is so full of things to distract us from the magic that is within and all around us to keep us small and disempowered, but if we can find and heal this resistance within ourselves too then maybe its another step closer to discovering and embracing it...for it to be supported and respected again too.

So that we don't need to choose love OR money and we can bring more of both into our lives and into the world.

And so in a roundabout way I think this is why sharing my Crowdfunder to ask for support in writing my book for me felt so scary, because it is a deep fear, but it is also why the support meant so much to me. I also think it was part of my journey in sharing my story too, because it is all about undoing these patterns, so that we can let love in. Not just personally, but collectively too.

Thank you to everyone that donated.